having ascertained that i had a tiny heat rash...well that didn't put my mind at rest...if anything it is even more unnerving to know that you had pre-arranged it all with caroline hughes...and that you had agreed to let yourself be abused 'by all of them' in this way...whilst being put through this sick ill cult game...

so even though each separate rash was about an inch wide and an inch and a half long - and hardly noticeable...it was noticeable because i have very white skin...and i am a bit of a hypochondriac at the best of times...

plus BI ONLINE had been programmed to tell me that i had herpes/shingles....you name it...which i was then to hear upon the tannoy system today....caroline had wanted me to develop it over my ovaries to make me think that i had cancer of the ovaries....

AL was the only one to put forward a straightforward reason along the line of 'heat rash' because she knew that i would have that little children's hot waterbottle by this point in the ill cult game - which i tend to fill up with sometimes overly hot water....and then press against my stomach every night (another hot waterbottle at my feet)....and that 'scottie dog motif' is rather itchy....although the rash that it has apparently brought up, is not....

so i won't be filling up that little hot waterbottle tonight then...only a 'big one' for my feet...

OTHER NOTES:

anyway, i got back from town to find out that my mother had left a message to call her at some point...

you see i had tried to ring her yesterday but they were both 'out' at midday...no emergency...i was just 'checking in' to see if they were all right...seeing as i hadn't returned her call to say that 'helen and weale' were coming down for the weekend...and that was not last weekend but the one before that....

my mother then called me this morning to see if i was all right....she sounded 'lacking in energy'....all one can say is - that i cannot help her if she is not feeling well, again...my father is a doctor...she has a doctor husband - to make sure she gets the right treatment and attention from the NHS....and i am all alone with nobody to make sure that i am 'all right' at all...but one has to say that i 'knew' what this 13th ill cult game would be like and knew that i couldn't get through it with 'interference'....

when you have people 'around'....you tend to put on a social persona, 'start acting' and then you 'stop being real'....and to write my blog - i have to 'be real'...with 'no distractions'....that simple.

i can only hope that this all finishes soon...and it probably will...given the fact that i saw a HAAKON double this morning....i had seen him the other day, walking up STATION ROAD....and a couple of times before that....

the HAAKON double...is a taschmann-type....was he leader of that particular wolf-pack? it makes you wonder, doesn't it?

he was dressed in a 'rabbit fur' polish type of 'earmuff' hat....and black pointy satanist shoes....taking photos with his mobile/camera of the pier....

MCDONALD was online immediately to suggest that i took photos of 'what he had taken' and to remind me that he was quite a bit taller than me....to MCDONALD's mind - he had been taking photos of the vehicles parked in front of the pier and to the left of it....

so that is what i was then to do and from a similar location - upon the promenade....

i then heard tanya's tannoy system....HAAKON double had 'got it wrong'...he hadn't taken the right vehicles...a large white van and a couple of cars...and he had left too early....in short, he had been too early and taken photos of the wrong vehicles....

i was to walk up to stand on the bridge...and take a photo of another white van - which then drove up to the pier...and also a small white van...just beyond the bridge....

OTHER NOTES:

my father had been tortured into being a taschmann slave, within the 70s....it all begins to fit now...a norwegian ROYALTY/ARISTOCRACY slave....that is what they were all about, wasn't it?

i can remember him telling me...upon my decision to use up the rest of my educational grant at solihull council....upon 'being an art student'....

"well, it isn't 'bad' to be an artist....but to be a BAD ARTIST is the very worst of all'.....of all professions, he had implied....

i was to track and trace the eldest taschmann behind that number....

if i had had my wits about me at the time - i would have made a 'witty and cutting' reply - but i was too emotionally hurt to do so, you see i had been pilloried all of my young life for 'not working hard enough academically to be a success' - despite all of the 'blocks' put in - not to do so.... and then to leave university and do, what i had always wanted to do - learn how to do artwork - to then be told that i was so bad at it that it wasn't worth even trying....

and this is at the time when 'fat ingabot cuckoo' helen, was lapping it up at home....i was anorexic bulimic by that point - at 21 years old....severely underweight 'bone-thin' and 'close to the edge'...

and yet i was my parents' real child, as far as the rebel group were concerned...but INGA's norwegian mob had nearly managed to destroy 'the lot' in terms of my family, by that point in time....and were to continue to try and do so, over the decades....

however i was to move out of that eating disorder quite quickly - over my twenties....regain a normal weight and keep to a diet which allowed me to remain slim but not thin/fat.....it took 'some doing', of course....as it did to all MKULTRA slaves put onto the 800 calories regime "so they don't cost us a penny more than we have to pay" royal slave-driver mentality. The men tended to eat only 'one meal a day' (paul dibbens, paul mckyntire, alistair baxter, mcdonald and sc etc)...

i used to eat healthy snacks over the day....'tuna and salad sandwiches' that type of thing....and always went 'a bit over' 800s calories to end up around 1,250 or more...but that never took me above 9 and a half stone....

oh and i am forgetting tanya....she was 'the same'...but like DEB MCD and SUE WHALLEY she had been starved into 'bone-thin' for most of her childhood and teenage years....and within her twenties...she had wanted to fit into a 'size 10'....i can remember her asking 'uncle' prague rothschild how he could arrange it....she had 'no idea' of 'hip cradle size'...her bone structure was wider than a size 10...unless she was to have the bones of her hips crushed into a smaller size....she would never fit into a size 10....but the 'fashion mags' never tell you 'such commonsense' do they?

do you ever read an article which states....if your skeletal bone size - the width of your hips is more than a size 8/10/12/14/16 whatever....you will not be able to fit into that coveted 'size of jeans'....

even if you are completely anorexic and your skin is paper-thin around 'only bone' and no muscle or fat beneath....you will NOT fit into - what your skeleton cannot fit into....

what am i talking about here? the fact that young girls and teenagers are not given the full facts regarding 'body size' and this results in body dysmorphia....if fashion magazines stopped promoting unrealistic body sizes and concentrated upon far more pragmatic advice....

such as - use tape-measurements of your body - whilst taking into account a 'normal amount' for muscle and fat....then realise that whatever measurements you take - if you do not have that 'normal amount' of muscle and fat...too much or too little...then you probably need to do something about it...and that doesn't need weighing scales does it? you see at my junior school/senior school/6th form college and even at university....almost every girl/young woman wanted to be a 'size 10' and weigh 8 and a 1/2 stones....despite what height or type of bone structure....and they all used to 'compete' about it....

not that i got that bad in terms of eating disorders...i only got down to 8 stone at 21 years old (and for 5 foot 5 inches - that isn't life-threatening)....but even then....when i breathed in...i could see my ribcage - and let me tell you, that even frightened me, i had 'gone too far' with this dieting stupidity.....plus the fact that my 'outline' never changed....having dieted that much - i was 'in utter dismay' to realise that my basic body shape (the shape of my skeleton) hadn't changed at all....it didn't seem to matter what weight i was....from 8 to 11 stones....my 'basic shape' was the same....perhaps i had been hoping that i would 'change overnight' into a skinny supermodel by losing weight - it didn't happen, that is all i can say....and that is when i realised 'the folly of dieting' for the first time. i looked 'just the same' in a full length mirror....rather like taking an outline on a GRAPHICS DESIGN PACKAGE and making it 10 or 20% bigger...the basic shape was still the same....nothing had really changed.

why am i banging on about this?

well tanya and her best friend jackie knight.....jackie had a severe eating disorder around 'buying up laxatives' from every chemist in exeter and surrounding villages (so that nobody ever guessed what she was up to - she had a mini that she used to drive around the area - never visiting one chemist more than once a week)...she used to like a 'chocolate laxative variety'...she got down to skeletal level...a much lower weight than i had been...and she was nearly 6 foot.....until she ate too many in one day, the pain was 'unbelievable' as she was to tell me.....the good thing about jackie and what i liked about her...was that she really 'didn't care'...tell anybody anything if she felt like it, after a few drinks....

anyway, she had figured that she should call an ambulance but wasn't able to move at all, hardly....anyway the next morning she was to feel better and after that vowed never to touch the things again...which was to result in a massive weight gain....all of that dieting 'out of the window'....and really 'podgy knees/legs' were a result...the bane of her life....and mine too - both in our twenties....jackie had such a pretty face...a bit like audrey hepburn....but those 'fat legs' and slim upper body - the bane of her life....naturally i sympathised...i knew her predicament....it was mine too.

and what of tanya? the oh-so-slim, tall and model-like tanya?

well she had decided that she wasn't 'thin enough'....and told her uncle so....he was then to tell her that if she wanted to be 'model-thin'...that there was only one way to do it....'a bit of the white powder'....and so she began to take it...and ended up 'bone-thin'....to the fury of her mother, who then turned up at tanya's shared house to give her a 'blast of maternal concern'....

as david bowie was to hiss into my ear at green tower....after i had complained that i wasn't 'bone-thin' like the others, there were....i was on a very healthy diet and had managed to cut my food/drink intake to a very low level....but i couldn't go further than that....i couldn't cut it further, without feeling unhealthy....anyway, he hissed in my ear "you don't take enough of the WHITE STUFF" and left it at that....i then figured 'oh, is that what it is all about.....well, then i have to stay 'normal' and not dead-thin in order to fit in with the general image of bone-thin NY models....' - it was a depressing thought...that i then countered by 'fake tans' at GREEN TOWER...they made you 'look thin' particularly your legs....without trying.

why am i banging on about body dysmorphia.....i am unclear.....probably because i have suffered from it all of my life...and i am not 'clear of it yet'....

i am now on an eat/drink get-fat diet....which so many recovering mind control slaves have done....see previous notes.....whilst deprogramming.

no i didn't 'shave my head' like some mind control slaves, struggling to get out of mind control - often do...to get their programmer 'out of their hair' - their networks and their life....but there you go....

you can go to extreme levels in order to get out of MKULTRA....everybody is different....

anyway, i can remember a perverse situation - whilst living in exeter - in tanya's shared house.....she had wanted me to try on her jeans....i was at least several inches shorter than her....and her jeans would have swamped me, at a size 14....even though she looked much thinner than me.....so i tried them on....the prague rothschild was watching and laughing....and the jeans that i had to try on?

they were a tiny size...not even a size 10...i couldn't get one trouser leg up my leg....surprisingly because size 12s were big for me at that point but size 10s were bit too small - my bone hip size was just above that 'measurement' which constituted a 'size 10' in those days - even though i was as thin as i could possibly be - with a small amount of 'muscle and fat' over my skeletal structure....

and i was to remember looking at the jeans of HELEN BROWNE at 6th form....she used to 'boast' and to everyanybody and everybody - that she was a SIZE 10 in LEVI JEANS...

.that had surprised me because i had 'tried LEVIS on in the shops -  at at 8 and a half stones, i couldn't 'do them up' at a size 10.....

BROWNE'S JEANS - well, her jeans were more like a size 14 or 16....they 'hung off me' - whilst trying them on, at 6 form college......i can remember that number because BROWNE had really threatened me afterwards...in relation to 'trying on her clothes' left at my parents' house......even though she had turned up in 'my clothes' and from my 'wardrobe' beforehand ( left at her house)......so i was to walk in 'one day' into the 6th form common room and for everybody to see.....as i was to state....that her size 10 LEVIS hung off me.....so much so, that i needed a belt...and yet the LABEL had said '10' and who is to argue with that one?

BROWNE was FURIOUS with me, for 'that one'....in front of the whole student common room...in her size 14  or more -   LEVI jeans..........with the label of '10' sewn into the back....

OTHER NOTES:

in short, it was all 'a trick'.....that tanya and the prague rothschild had known about.....i was to feel 'bad' because i wasn't able to fit into 'size 10' english size.

they weren't her jeans.....but she had looked 'thin enough' to get into them....

in short, TANYA was supposed to 'get it' but she didn't.....the prague rothschild then led her down a path to 'rack and ruin' via the 'white powder'....in order to get into her 'childhood jeans'....the ones that she had worn as an 8 year old......


i have no idea what sizes are, nowadays.....having realised that most chainstores 'have no idea either'....even the JASON lookalike was to tell me that different factories produced 'the same design'  for PEACOCKS and that was the 'real problem' after i had questioned further.....'sweatshops that had added size tags - i wondered....from different  sweatshops around the world who knew 'different sizes'?

and therefore those 'skinny jeans' from PEACOCKS.....well a 'chinese size in PINK' and a british size in FOREST GREEN....and a US size in 'electric blue' no doubt.....the design was 'the same'....they were all 'on the same display'.....and all upon a special price offer....except that the SIZES on the labels......in comparison 'from one colour of jeans to another'....didn't concur at all.





well i had always known that tanya was thin....but i hadn't known 'that thin'....but later on after he had left...'out of the blue' i was to talk to her about BONE/SKELETON SIZE.....and tanya listened whilst being 'very cross' with me....i had no idea what had made her so angry, at the time....

however, roz and i, were to remoteview her reaction - in the cia lab....to 'rewind time' as it were....to see 'what tanya did next'....

she immediately phoned up JACKIE KNIGHT.....and told her that her bone hip size was far larger than hers....and that there was NO WAY that she could ever fit into a 'size 10'.....

JACKIE KNIGHT was furious 'back down the line'.....she admitted it all....'yes tanya i cut out the labels and sewed in a size 10 - to fool you - satisfied?' - she then slammed the phone down....tanya was 'cut off'...sitting there - and gradually a smile broke upon her face....

you see how it goes?

and i wondered why 'icanhascheezburger' had a few pics of an unsmiling cat in RETAIL....

there were 'those like MCDONALD' who had to deal with their 'young daughters growing up'....and you have to know how to deal with 'that type of thing'....and suffice to say, he had wanted it OUTED upon this blog......show them their skeletal bone size....explain to them that a healthy body needs a certain amount of muscle/fat covering it...etc etc....

oh mcdonald...i am so glad that you were able to settle down - to marry and have a family...a luxury that gill and myself had been denied....

and now you want me....me of all people....to put up advice upon 'how to handle your young daughters' in order to prevent them from being tricked by the FASHIONISTA?

Well, i've done it...in the only way that i know how....draw upon experience....tanya and jackie knight 'whilst bone-thin' were terribly beautiful 'models'.....perhaps more attractive than 'most seen upon the catwalks'.....but only the 'white stuff and chocolate laxatives' kept them 'that thin'....

OTHER NOTES:

Anyway, getting back to my father - 'under taschmann/norwegian control' and his devastating comment....there is nothing worse than an artist....i can remember now...he had concluded his little speech upon my already 'failing career in life' at 21 years old with:

"there is nothing worse than an artist....particularly a BAD ARTIST" implying that all of my artwork was hideously bad....

i didn't pretend that it wasn't....i simply answered 'matter-of-factly':

"i want to go to college in order to learn - how to do it - to be better at it...."

he sniffed at that one....as if there was 'no hope in the world that i would be better at it'...

when i look back at that TASCHMANN-driven conversation and how he had been tortured 'under control' by the NORWEGIAN mob.....to then be run by their 'desks'.....

a tannoy system is saying that i i should have simply replied to my father, at the time:

"dad - it is a good thing to be a doctor - but there is nothing worse, in heaven or upon earth - than a bad one..."

lucky i didn't say it, then eh?

what is going on here?

my 'dad' couldn't help what cruel, evil and stupid things that he was to say to me - during my childhood and teenage years....the norwegian desk had him completely under control.....and if i were to hurt/harm his psyche even more - by putting him down with the above 'bad doctor' reply....

knowing as i did, later on - at the CIA LAB that he was 'not able to take credit for his achievements in medicine'.....and had been made to 'feel a failure' his entire life....

well what do you think that the outcome might have been?

OTHER NOTES:

if i ring my mother up - what will she tell me?

all about how she has worked 'hand and foot' as a servant of INGABOT heroin-addict and mother of two - helen weale - down in london?

really - i am finding it difficult to listen to such conversations upon the phone.....

and therefore i shall 'minimalise' them....my mother has my father - a devoted husband and doctor to look after her....i have nobody....let us get this into perspective.

i have to do what makes me 'feel safe' - and therefore staying cocooned in this CHP flat with 'minimal interference' is the way that i feel 'my life should go' at this point in time....