private notes....let me see...what am i trying to dig up here?

for example...i was to remember roz meeting sally morgan and sarah turner for the first time, in a pub in totnes...at the top of town.

"she's cleverer than you are" replied daldry, after hearing about the whole performance...

i am not an actress and never wanted to be one...roz had been the 'consummate actress'...and in 'real life' i might add....until she murdered rene zellwegger in order to 'take her place' (and that wasn't 'in the line of duty', was it?) anyway, the blinds then began to fall, a little...i suppose...along with the blinds surrounding tomlinson...who had been her main 'amor' let us say...."her mainman" replies BI ONLINE...."workplace psychopaths - they'll do anything to get to number 1"....and that is why farrell is worrying me now...in relation to gill and myself....

OTHER NOTES:

let me go off on a tangent now....auditoriums....some used to scare me...and others didn't...see previous notes upon seating positions and downloads from equipment disguised as lighting - on the ceiling....

let me see...i used to go into some auditoriums 'under duress'...as if i were entering a plane...frightened of flying...i would sit in my auditorium row chair and slouch, head back...neck resting on the top of my chair, chin up in the air, ready to go to sleep if necessary.....whilst gripping the armrests....'how can i bear it? but i must i must..." going through my head...and so i did 'bear it'...every time...every single time....a seated position that i would generally adopt whilst viewing films...cinematic auditoriums and that normally didn't stress me out...i would cosy on down....no problem....let me see...at some point in my young life - i had sat upon an electrified theatre seat, hadn't i?...and been forced to watch 'whatever it was'..."and unlike most of us - you could remember the fear" replies MI5 ONLINE...or would that be MO5?

i had no real liking of viewing either theatre or films in an auditorium (safer 'at home' - pre-recorded etc)...but if you take into account what had happened to me 'in both types of auditorium' during my childhood and teenage years....warwick university art studio and that ill cult production of coriolanus, for example (where everybody really did die on stage -see previous notes)...well, go figure....

oh and the fact that i have seen 'so much' on stage and on film in auditoriums, over the decades despite that 'fear of flying'....and yet still not beaten that 'fear' until recently (within the last decade or so)...well what can i say as 'simple advice' except 'check the ceiling' etc....and change your seat if you figure that 'something is not right'....

OTHER NOTES:

....this morning i was thinking about the 'simple pleasures of life'....a black friend of mine was lucky enough to obtain them (and yes, i now understand why 'mr putin' lookalike will soon be replaced by a 'black bond')....to freely date the woman, that he was to fall in love with...to then gain her love and consent...to then marry her...and to have children....no marriage is without its pitfalls....but their love for each other, sustained 'the whole lot' as far as i know...although having had more to do with the children than he had...i can remember one particular argument in relation to "they don't know....(what we have suffered)...they don't get it..." - this is all about ID in terms of family...and your parents passing down their ID to you....because most of the time, you only get the 'slurs' as in 'tags' and labelling (often derrogatory in its way)....instead of the 'whole thing'....in a black family, you can probably guess what the wife was upset about....but that wasn't 'at root' of what she was upset about...it was the depth of the struggle, that she was emotive about....which the children didn't get...but then they were still so young....and the complications of it all...how nothing is really 'black and white'...plus, when your young black kids look at you and think "old timer"..."out of touch"...it is really disheartening to any young parent who was also 'young once' - and everybody was, once....you see the 'mental rot' sets in at an early age, with children - as soon as they begin to look for 'independence' from their parents....young children are groomed to think that you are 'over the hill' once you are an adult, in the UK...and therefore 'an idiot' basically....british culture is so AGEIST isn't it?...and across the board...apparently worse in china, according to shana....see previous notes. shana was to put it down to MAO's behind-the-scenes-activities...and had a few choice tales to tell around 'that one'....

BRITISH culture has to change...we have to start teaching our children to respect adults and maturity...as well as 'old-timers'...the whole lot.

oh and upon the subject of young children...let us zoom in on the michael richardson's gang in blackheath...60s...again....

and now let us zoom out...roll on the years....to then zoom in again....and look at farrell and mcgowan 'putting on a show' whilst in child alters...for the UK police team, investigating that czech restaurant in LA....the whole 'band show number'...farrell on keyboards, mcgowan on trumpet and whoever else was 'in the band' doing their 'thing'....on stage, in that restaurant.

the police team had no real idea of what was going on or why....i can remember telling the woman inspector to whisper 'authoritatively' to the rest of them..."it's good! it's good!...say that.... and clap"....which they all then did...some of them gingerly...they were then rounded upon...by farrell, who was to approach their table, in a very aggressive way..."did you really enjoy it or not?" etc etc....he measured out each word, in sinister tones.... the mood then turned sour...really sour....one police officer was then forced into telling farrell and the band-behind-him, that it had all been excellent...the food, the entertainment..."no complaints?" farrell pursued his subject with a very threatening look upon his face..."no complaints...none...excellent"....and so they were all then, allowed to go.

"a bit like the worst/best fish restaurant in prague" replies BI ONLINE...oh i see...that's it, isn't it? you've got it....

let me explain what i am getting at...within the above....

some of us - and i can only talk for the michael richardson gang...were taught that if our 'show' didn't please our ill cult programmers...that we would end up dead...we were only young children at the time...we didn't want to die.

farrell and mcgowan were in 60s blackheath child alters...whilst performing their 'show' in that czech restaurant in LA.

....now the michael richardson gang wasn't the type, to 'take things lying down'...if they thought that a programmer or group of programmers was threatening to kill them...they killed that programmer off, quickly enough....

do you now see the danger that...that police team had been in, within that czech restaurant...and without realising it?

"you'd better like it or else" replies BI ONLINE...exactly so.

we are talking 'desperate children' here...desperate child alters...frightened for their own lives....and desperate measures would be taken, as a result - if anybody 'didn't like their show'.

....and i wonder now...about the ANDREW MARR show....the JONATHAN ROSS show...along with any COLIN FARRELL movie...do you see how it goes?

OTHER NOTES:

...i am a white woman in a western culture....and yet i wasn't allowed the simple pleasures of life - that are the most important of all...such as?

...getting married...starting a family...and so much more, surrounding both of those things.....the things that so many take for granted in other countries.....

the profundity of life...in relation to getting pregnant and having your own children - and not SIS cuckoos, i might add...okay most parents are young and just 'skate through it somehow' in relation to the stress of it all....but to bring up your own children, with your own husband - knowing that your children are your combined DNA...it seems to be..."a rare occasion in this country" replies BI ONLINE...talking about the UK....

...and so i get angry again....but it is useless to get angry, at this time in my life....51 years old by my birth certificate.....

....and so i calm down...think about other things....

....despite thinking about franco zechhin telling me, circa 1992....about italians who were to poor to afford 'mcdonald's hamburgers' and that they should be allowed the 'choice' between mcdonald's and what they currently ate....despite living upon an extremely healthy diet upon local produce....and living to 'very old ages' - grandmothers, great-grandmothers in 'black weeds' upon old cobbled streets in 'scenic photos'....in communities relatively untouched by mcdonald's etc etc.....

....and then i think....who are the lucky ones - even if they do not know it?

franco might be arguing for 'the right (in relation to those communities) to choose'....but what did he really mean by that?

...if you do not have the right education in place, within your community...to guide the young away from the bright lights which stun...the stadiums that drain....the 'satanic cult/religious/occultic groups' that are bent on stealing your soul.....

...okay you cannot protect your child from 'any of it'...but at least...you can make them 'street savvy'....that is all i can say. tell them what you know...that is all i can say.....

"however mad or crazy it is" replies BI ONLINE...."and we'll send a little white van around and..."

BI - you are not supposed to joke, about this sort of thing.

....little white van? reminds me of PRIVATE EYE and that 'standing joke' around PRINCE PHILIP vs mohammed el fayid....'the white fiat uno' etc etc....