so, let me see...why was i banging on about 'roz - butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - whilst in assassin alter'...along with 'ms bendy of model proportions' accosted by mcgowan...along with sue whalley and her slap?....well i was circling 'something' and i shall call this next stage of the ill cult game "it should have been me" - see THE VICAR OF DIBLEY for a 'musical number' at the altar, around 'that song'....BI ONLINE are calling it the 'jealous women network' stage....

first up...i was to remember 'col the sol' in prague...seated at the bar of that winebar - close to the station....i had just met 'mr cern' and was having a glass of wine there, with him - before my overnight train back to katowice, left...as we got up to leave...'col the sol' was to accost him...'in russian'...'col the sol' was dressed up to the nines...dyed hair, gold ear-rings etc....nota bene this is 1994 and before he became famous....a 'look' that he was to continue with for many years....anyway, gill was to look at the whole thing later on...and tell me something along the lines of "he was trying to treat you like a whore"...well, that much was true...i wasn't supposed to know what he had been talking about but it went along the lines of "how much did she cost? i could find you a better looking one than that"...to then be told that i was a nice girl and not like that...mr cern then took out of his wallet - what i shall describe as a KGB pass and cern ID, in the palm of his hand - to then flash it at col the sol...which was to shut col the sol up, on the spot...he turned back to the bar....if anybody had looked like they were 'on the game' - it was col the sol...

gill was to look at it....col the sol was in two minds...he was jealous upon two accounts...he was jealous of me and jealous of mr cern....two streams of thought were going through his mind at the same time...and one of them was what BI ONLINE are now describing as the 'jealous women network'...those like roz brady and jade laing, upon his network..."i'm prettier than her...how could he pick her over me?"

what else?.....sonia was also interested in the whole predicament - one, which was to result in me telling gill that he had to find a way to break that destructive link - regarding col the sol's blood disorder - or we would both end up dead...col the sol had tried to murder both of us, by that point in time...

let me backtrack a little....sonia was to say that col the sol was blocking something - she hadn't found out about the blood disorder, at that point in time...she and mark vizard were certain that whatever he was blocking...had been the root cause of all of the horror...and it had been - hadn't it? the root 'source code' of varro's VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF program....something that even i, had been unable to talk about...gill was to find out - whilst we were living in totnes...see previous notes upon that hospital trip - with 'florence' in the back....

anyway, jeremy norman was to write up a 'contract' of sorts..."for show" replies BI ONLINE....in which he was to include a clause entitled 'amnesty'...after i had pointed out what sue whalley had done - see previous notes upon her trying to throw me out of a window - during a fit of jealousy...and that if it had been him - he would have probably managed it...and so i was granted 'amnesty' by the 'all-gay' group, in relation to working with them...and if i hadn't have had 'that one' - i don't suppose that i would have survived...nor would gill have done, for that matter...

...so what was this 'jealous women network' all about? well, if i look back at sue whalley's childhood and the sexual abuse by her father...sue could disassociate so very easily....during that 'kiss and make-up to SIS' session, held at a b'ham nightclub...sue was chosen as the queen of 'SPARKLE AND SHINE'...i.e. the ability to watch an atrocity...to then act like a chorus girl in a hollywood movie, afterwards - as if nothing had ever happened....'sparkle and shine' time...nobody must ever know...nobody must ever see it on your face....all-innocence and 'butter-wouldn't-melt-in-your-mouth'....

...and you wonder why sue was plastering herself with all of that make-up when she didn't need it...putting on that 'mask' every day...until after she was married, that is...and her husband put a stop to it...which nearly broke her heart, i might add...no make-up...no highheels...oh and she had also had a huge bunion removed from one of her big toes, by that point in time and had been told that she shouldn't wear high-heels, anymore...."i just look so boring and frumpy - my hair's going grey" she was to moan....circa 1994 (i was back in the UK for the summer holidays)....which she didn't at all but that didn't stop her from feeling that way...i suggested shopping at somewhere like GAP for bright, happy youthful colours..and young designs...which is what GAP were doing, at that point in time...because she could afford it - she had a well-paid job at the b'ham city council, by that point in time...i had no idea that she was working for tomlinson and really, really 'up to no good' - see previous notes upon matthew boulton college etc etc...

what else? I can remember playing 'it should have been me' to the 'very depressed petra phelps, whilst at Essex...it was to put a smile back on her face...and she began to sing along and laugh about it all....

I was then to remember Michael Richardson's gang being played 'that song'....very catchy and young children like that sort of thing...however, it was 'little colin' who had been made to sing it first....he had been furious that gill and I were supposed to be getting married 'when we were older'...his two magical creatures...little colin was two years younger...and at that age, the development differential is massive....anyway, we all joined in, singing it - in the end....and it felt so good...because that song can be applied to 'just about anything'...it is a shared experience....a torch song...it is primarily about 'love and marriage' but it could also be applied to other things for its cathartic effect....sibling rivalry....competition in the workplace etc etc...but it is not necessarily cathartic for some people, is it? they are too much 'in the moment' and bound up in their emotions to 'get clear'...in order to lift themselves out of the whole horror and to gain a perspective upon it...

...what else? I can remember col the sol as having been behind the whole 'subway horror'...it had been his idea...put to rimington....I had turned him down for a date...well, so had Helen browne (for a second date) - the local 'patsy of solihull'...but I suppose that outright rejection was something that he hadn't experienced before....gill was to find him out, in the end....rimington was to talk about it, along the lines of...."if he glasses her face - she won't be that pretty anymore, will she? - she'll date me...get him to do it" Tomlinson and the other two powergen 'trainee graduates' were then to arrange it all - in that Colchester subway - see previous notes...

...and you wonder why I was to talk about my 'silent singer' moments...it is funny but at the same time, terrifying...to see 'that familiar face'...the man in that prague winebar - turning round upon his barstool - as we were leaving...quite real - not imagined....but somehow ghostly, terrible...because I could never quite remember 'who he was'...despite alarm bells going off in my mind....

...what else? an explanation of sorts...in a tv interview with 'Philip schofield and holly'...something around zygote slavery...not being able to have what normal people have....love, marriage and children...which had brought out the wicked side in him, as a consequence...go figure....I will have to have a look at that interview again...it was all inferred, not directly stated....and it was to go against what the viewer would expect....'young, free and single' - along with stardom and wealth...what was his problem?

OTHER NOTES:
...oh and what about all of those 'anulled' marriages....gill and I were to go through so many....the last one, however - was allowed to stand...that b'ham synagogue marriage....courtesy of prince William - go figure....

I have no idea whether or not it still stands....it had been an important part of the operation in Jerusalem....see previous notes....I would guess not....besides, Sharon had been asked by col the sol - to find a way to annul it, afterwards....go figure...

OTHER NOTES:

...and lastly, the young redheaded woman in a business suit....who had wanted to find flat 3, Jackson house...I have a 'bad feeling' about it all...was I put in to divert her?...to Jackson court rather than Jackson house...I was to point out both...all I know is that if a body is found in that flat - months later on etc etc....and ms butter-wouldn't-melt-in-her-mouth was the last person to call...well, 'go figure'...